blue flip


If you want things to stay the same

things are going to have to change.

Sticky Post
"I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong." - John Lennon

folded inside each raining cloud
dr. who + rose ends of the earth
they say that home is where the heart is
i guess i haven't found my home yet

Tonight was concert night. I was excited. I told Walter I could work at the studio til 4 if he could use me.

It was a fine work day. Actually pretty slack. I split the work between my manager and I and took the first half.

Before I left I offered to distro the paperwork. On my way home I began feeling it. The heavy hallow that sometimes sets in. The lack of connection. I wanted to talk someone. Not to talk myself but to listen. To hear someone. I wanted to feel that. To feel lucky enough to hear a voice and know they were saying words specifically for me to hear. Specifically for me. Selfishly.

There wasn't anyone I knew though. I have friends scattered through the states, across the oceans. For all of them there's a time difference and for all of them, as amazing as they are, I'm not as incredibly close to them as I once was.

There are those who I know would respond, and I know they'd say undeservedly kind things to me. I feel an uneasy conflicted feeling there. People who tell me I'm important to them. I struggle with the feeling that their actions do not feel to match that message. And I understand that life picks us up and carries us away sometimes. People grow and no one grows at exactly the same rate. And no one is always in the same places as us all the time. So we grow together and apart and drift and bond.

I hesitated before I called her. When she answered she thought I was a job calling. For some reason her professional phone answering felt like a warmth. It was unexpected. We hadn't spoken in almost a year. We spoke randomly without speaking specifically. The what-are-you-up-to etiquette ignored. We spoke philosophically. I spoke exactly what I was feeling. Then unspecifics paved path to specifics and we caught up. I appreciated it. It made me feel better about drifting and feeling less close to people I care about. Realising that there's a wonderful in getting to re-know a person.

When I spoke to her about what I'm doing and the expectations those around me hold, she told me, no, you should write.

It was something that the me that is right now in the places I am in right now needed to hear.

It wasn't just the words. It was the way she said it.

It was a hand out of the hole I felt I was in.

they say there's lining made of silver
folded inside each raining cloud

miles away
at the end of a rainy day when you sat alone

I got sleep last night.

I have believed so much that the things we eat and the amount we sleep has great affect on the how that we are.

I think I've believed too heavily in this. These things help. Sometimes morose finds its way in regardless.

I'm grateful for so much. I've been good. I am a little worried for someone.

He doesn't treat himself very well. He told me that he didn't eat today.

He's several thousand miles away but I wanted to give him a hug.

I stopped talking to him because he started drifting.

I will talk to him again tomorrow.

I hope rest helps him.

And selfishly, I hope rest helps me.

it's a sign that lets you know there is a life awaiting

Misfits cast
babe, it's been a long day

Spent last evening at a party with some friends. Everything's always changing. I think I feel that most when things are good.

A text from a co-worker working back-to-back shifts asked if I'd take his early morning shift so he could sleep.

I stayed and hugged people goodbye as they left. I imagined it a way of giving them a last feeling before they disappeared through the door.

After the last person left I helped take down posters and move furniture back, un-do the photo booth and put away food. We talked and laughed.

I went to work with 4 hours of sleep behind me. I was good though. It was worth it.

I meant to lay down for an hour and a half after after work but slept for 3. When I rose, I made tea. No. Not just tea. I made Super Mug of tea. The kind of super mug of tea that's quite literally a bowl-mug. I'd dreamt it was raining and with that in head I wanted to sit down and read with a warmth and tea that would last and stay with.

I texted a friend who was packing for her show at NY ComiCon. I told her as she packed, "And I quote. Go. Go and experience and fall in love with the city all over again. ...then come back."
Fern: You quote?
Me: Yes. Yes I do. I believe it was once said by a very wise man named Selfish Tyler.

My little big bro phoned and we went to the cinema and saw Don Jon. It was one of those you think it's gonna be one way, and then it surprises you films. We stood in the night air outside the theater afterward and talked for an hour.

It was the kind of day that arrives unexpectedly, takes the steering wheel and shows you the way. In the after, it's seen that it was a was well-wanted one and shall be thought of again.

you are the best thing.
to ever happen to me.

the best possible
blue flip
I want to be more passionate.

I want to feel and I want to feel and I want it to overwhelm me and pull me from the solid ground on which I stand.

I want it to carry me away.

In the best



he speaks. i miss.
blue flip
i ask somebody what time it is
but time doesn't matter to them yet

He speaks with his back to me. To the others there, not to me.
It's okay. It makes me feel bad. But it's okay. I know he's being where he is. Existing as he is. As he feels. He can't control what he feels. And I can't control what I don't feel.

I've been filling my time. Working 6-day weeks. Reading. Running. Much of it is time on my own.
I miss it. One-on-one time. With others. Just they and myself and moments lost in laughter.
I'm good at reaching out. I worked hard at learning how to be better at that.
Now I just have to put that to use.

now here i lie
on my own in a separate sky

i could never not
there's parachutes above you
life boats below.
a heart that loves you

A song I haven't shown to anyone. A song I'd like to show to everyone. Though it might not be everyone's type of song.

So much has happened. All of everything between then and now. Words and feelings and sights and sighs. Loves lost and loved again. Perhaps more so in the end for who they are. It's sad. But that's how you know they weren't the one for the end.

Is it possible you are how I remember you but with more? More different and less same.

I will say it here because I must allow myself to say it somewhere. I will go. I already know I shall. Later in life I'll go find those I've cared about. I won't say anything. I won't intrude. I'll keep close to the background. I'll do it because I dream about them doing so for me. If by any chance they dream the same, I will make that true for them. Because they are worth being sought. And they are a piece of me. I have cared and I have loved and I know not how to stop. If all the world I exist in changes around me and leaves me, piece by piece remaining in those I've held close, I know not how to stop.

I have thought I could never.
But I could never not.

there’s a fool that loved you and he loves you still.

that way
harry potter
Sometimes you just want people to feel good. Important. Like they matter. Because they do. But you're not sure how to show it. Or if you're supposed to be the one to make them feel that way at all.

with you
harry potter
With you, I could feel again.

ain't no sunshine when she's gone. and she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.
blue flip
me: why would you tell him that?
pon: because you like them.
me: yeah, but.. they're my if-i-were-a-superhero-this-would-be-my-weakness weakness.
pon: (laughs into hands) dude, you're the only one i know who has a soft spot for cancelled tv shows.
me: they're... so good.
pon: (grins) see?
me: but now he's recommending one. and....
pon: ...and he said the word "cancelled" and you got all tingly?
me: (laughing, throws dishrag at him) punk.

(places crumpled up ball of lined paper on desk and begins
smoothing it out until pencil-graphite letters come into focus)

dear LJ,
in the spirit of Mark Twain's "i didn't have time to write a short letter, so i wrote a long one instead":

i know it appeared as if i had dropped off the face of the planet, well, off the shin of the planet even.
i haven't.

lj, be my friend again?
....i'll give you cookies.

still not trevor or charlie or kyle or kevin,
still alive and on the face of the planet
still tyler

(slides headphones back on)
ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

and i know, i know, i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know


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